THE BOSTON SHAMROCK : President Crane Outlines Historical Virtues in Shower Scandal


Crane Announces Cabinet Appointments

Preamble: Denny Crane has aspirations - for women and the cachet of influence.  British Boston Legal forumite Crowlin [email], already the meticulously attired love child of Alan Shore and Hugh Grant, engaged a voluptuous clairvoyant to map out the political future of the inimitable Mr. Crane. Herein lie the flash forward clippings.


President Crane Outlines Historical Virtues in Shower Scandal;
Attorney General Shore comes to his Aide

By Patrick O'Rourke, Shamrock Staff Writer

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 - Debate across the country, in politics and in the public, continues to rage around the controversial February 19 incident in which President Denny Crane apparently gave a confidence-boosting address to members of the Cranes White House Beach Volleyball team - in the women's communal showers.

In a stirring speech delivered on the White House lawn in the presence of the press corps, a jubilant, energetic President Crane proclaimed:

"I strongly believe nudity, athletics and politics go hand-on-anatomy and are healthy to any Presidency, especially mine. If we look back to antiquity we can see that a mighty triumvirate of nudity, athletics and politics together ruled the cultural mores of the great power that was Sparta - a country all Republicans should admire.

The late Senator Prescott Bush, grandfather of the 43rd president, once wrestled my father in the nude at Yale. What happened last week in the humble shower rooms with the talented ladies of our Beach Volleyball team was not only good for morale but represented the meeting again of that great triumvirate - nudity, athletics and politics - in our own age of American exceptionalism. Denny Crane !"

Camera phone footage posted on YouTube shortly after the scandal emerged featured a brimming President Crane leaving the women's locker rooms the day of the apparent incident. A new home-edited compilation of video clips, also hosted by YouTube, has a gesticulating Crane at court, a cigar-smoking Crane attending social functions and a triumphalist Crane moving in and out of the White House female changing rooms set to the 1979 disco hit "He's The Greatest Dancer". The compilation has become an overnight Internet phenomena throughout forums and office e-mails.

Pundits have compared it to clips of the former Russian President Boris Yelstin's cringe-worthy flamboyant dancing in 1996. But as goes with the rule of unintended consequences, the President's colorful antics have enamoured him to the young. Countless blog entries, forum messages and websites, mainly the work of under-30s, have demonstrated an enthusiastic moral support for Crane.

Attorney General Alan Shore, who, as a lawyer, had worked alongside Denny Crane while both were at the Boston Law Firm Crane, Poole & Schmidt, has been outspoken in his defense of the President.

From a Larry King appearance to an impassioned engagement with the press yesterday, the Attorney General has been vigorous in his efforts. In his most recent contact with the media over the issue, Shore confidently praised the President and questioned his detractors:

"Who among us has not revelled in the classic High School movie drama? We stock them in our personal DVD libraries and expose our young teenagers - even in academic settings - to these films that frequently depict both athletics and frank shower scenes featuring nudity, particularly among those of the private school sub-genre. In the often raunchy world of Sports Journalism, we give reporters full access to the changing rooms of our nation's top professional athletes. And who are they accountable to? Profit-making, unelected corporate entities. The President is our chief executive officer, voted in office and directly accountable to the American people. I can think of no one more qualified, responsible and entitled to innocently give moral support and positive reinforcement to an athletic team, even if it raises some puritanical eyebrows. Cynics opine that this is nothing more than the theatrics of a lewd old man - but nothing could be more distant from the truth. The activities of President Crane and the volleyball players are nothing but the consensual interactions between a deeply compassionate coach and a team of gifted women who love him."